In Between the Lines 1

To me, the theme of this trip is to get lost. Not necessarily in the physical capacity where I don’t know my way, but more in the idea that I lose all ties to the daily monotony that has been my life for the past year. The trip is to be an adventure of epic proportions; never before have I conquered the vast open area past the Mississippi. Strangely enough, we drove over the Mississippi and I did not even notice…. Maybe that’s an indication of larger themes in my search for getting lost.

Somehow there is a true connection to driving in a car across the country and freedom. Perhaps, it goes back to the ingrained American mentality of limitless land and the idea of free range. We have driven through such varied terrain that honestly I can’t even describe the beauty of this country. On the other hand, we have driven through towns and cities that resemble any other city in this country with their gas stations lining the streets, expansive parking lots in front of WalMart, and fast food dining options. As we drove along the interstate in Tennessee, Illinois, and Missouri I constantly referred back to the idea that if I were driven here blindfolded and then asked to guess where I was, I would have no idea. I also was able to draw references to Denver and Orlando, oddly enough. However, as I sit here in the passenger seat driving through central Utah, I can’t help but utter a “wow” as we drive by the expansive nothingness and erosion rock formations. It’s truly amazing to stare out the window at 80mph and watch as the horizon slowly changes. I’m not saying that it is necessary to go to a so-called untouched land in order to feel lost, but it’s certainly much easier than dining at Burger King and shopping at Albertson’s.

As you may notice after reading this, Jon and I differ in our writing styles. However, it has worked out quite well in our travels so far. Understandably, it is only 4 days into the trip, but I don’t predict any complications. His witty comedic style bodes well with my relatively dry, logical mindset. So, don’t fret, his journal entries will continue. In trying to think about a general theme of my entries, I’ve decided to talk about some of the people that we’ve encountered along the way. Along the trip there have been people that have stuck out in my mind, for some reason or another. I’m sure they have no idea that their existence was memorable to me or that I made any sort of impact on their life.

First, there was Liza, our waitress at Denny’s in a little interstate town called Junction City, Kansas. We arrived there around 7am to her shining face. She was a short, little Asian woman with obvious experience in the restaurant business. I’d argue that she was cute too. She quickly sat us and tended to our needs, all the while joking with us and smiling. It was definitely the encounter I needed at 7 o’clock in the morning after driving straight through. I’d like to add that she was the one that offered to refill my orange juice after it obviously was just orange flavored water. After leaving I couldn’t help but think about her life. I can’t imagine Denny’s being that much of a high paying career, but I could be wrong.

The original idea for the road trip was for Jon to find a place to live in Denver, so most of the day in this city was spent searching for apartments. On one of our stops, we went to an apartment complex called The Lodge. It looked nice from the outside and was in a decent location, so we decided to give it a shot. It was just your typical cookie cutter style complex with fitness center, pool, and little 1 bedroom apartment. However, there were two things that set it apart from all the rest. First, was the fact that you could chose an accent color on one wall for free when you move in. For me, I end up painting my walls anyway and Jon felt it would be amazing to have a red wall in his room. He’s into the passion thing, I guess. The number one selling point was the rental manager, Robin, that showed us the place. It’s not that she was attractive or overly friendly or anything similar to that. It was her attitude toward the whole procedure. She had such a sarcastic, slightly bitter, hurried north eastern mentality that it drew me to her and all that she had to say. If I were moving to Denver, I’d most likely want to rent from her just to wake up in the morning say, “Hey Robin, have a fantastic day” and to eat her fresh cookies that she puts out in a little tray underneath the poster of accent color choices. While meeting with her, I did feel slightly obligated to distance myself from the whole procedure because I did not want to get the question, “So, are both are you staying in the apartment together?” It was, after all, a 1 bedroom, with two guys looking at it….

We’re now about 2 hours out of Las Vegas. Apparently, crazy things happen in Vegas. We’ll see if that holds true, but I guess “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas….”

Day Tres

Context of the previous “Connotate this, bitch!”: Joe and I visited a pleasant little Denny’s in Junction City, Kansas and we both ordered orange juice and it’s that crappy oj from concentrate. I just noticed that his oj had much more froth than mine and felt that he needed to know that. Of course, he also got a new glass of oj too when the waitress switched to a new container of concentrate. High maintenance…

Ahhhhh Colorado, the Colorful State. It is absolutely gorgeous. The rolling hills, the majestic snow-capped mountains, the majestic not-snow-capped mountains, the mesas, the valleys, the small towns nestled in those valleys, and the cities. You know they say everyone in Colorado is fit and fot (fuckin hot) and they ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie. Everyone of every age, creed, sex and ethnicity looks like they have a billy blanks dvd on repeat in their dvd players. And they’re so nice too. I mean as long as you avoid the people in certain motels we looked into, you will spend a day in Denver participating in good conversation and witnessing random acts of kindness. I will go so far as to say Colorado has the nicest people in the country and possibly in the universe! And they’re all about good times here too. There’s a restaurant chain here called “Good Times” that as far as I can tell sells custard. Then we saw another restaurant in the mountains with the very same moniker that was a brewery and grill. What’s not to love about a place that worships good times like a secretary worships her copier? Driving through the Colorado frontier, we even came up with another name for our blog that we kind of like better but it’s too late and that is, “Silhouette Mountains in the Sky.” Now on to the day’s doings:

We pulled a stay at the Drury Inn last night in east Denver and it was friggin amazing! If you are ever in that area and need a place to stay, do yourself a favor and check into the Drury Inn. Get this: You get a free “hot” breakfast (none of that slice of bread and an apple shit), a pool and a spa, free wireless internet, free long distance for an hour and free local calls, heavenly beds, free pizza at night AND (the main selling point for our stay) 3 free cocktails with the free pizza! A Great deal and the service was great! But if great service is not your bag, you would probably enjoy the prairie dog colony that is right outside providing wonderful entertainment for adults and kids alike. I would guess that by the size of the field they performed on and the amount of them that were there, they were reenacting the battle of Gettysburg.

We discovered that in Colorado the best way to guesstimate the speed limit is to guess what you think it is and then add 5 to that. For instance, if you were on a highway and you guessed the speed limit was 70 (because that’s how much it would be in stupid Kansas) then you would just add 5 and get the speed limit on Colorado highways: 75.

Speaking of Kansas, when we saw some unneeded roadwork and lane closures on colorado’s highways, we said “Come on Colorado, Don’t pull a Kansas!”

When in a tunnel in Colorado, one will not hear an echo…

Exit 119 off I-70 in Colorado: “No Name”

Got a 4 hour oil change today in Denver. Apparently they didn’t have the oil filter since my car is a new model so that they had to scour Denver for someone who did. Meanwhile, Joe and I made like Jay and Silent Bob and hung out outside the Big O Tires walking over to 7 Eleven every now and then.

We’re not sure which is worse and perhaps you all can help us out. Kansas has road work and lane closures everywhere to fix there roads which are fine as is and not traveled often (I would think since Kansas sucks) but Utah’s roads are quite shitty and all they do is put up signs that say “Road Damage.” It’s like thanks but I just blew a tire when I ran over a pothole the size of Australia.

Conversation Excerpt:
Joe: Does it freak you out if, hypothetically sitting on a sofa with a big sliding glass door that you can’t see out of right in front of you, you see a show come on your tv that talks about serial killers who break into houses?

Me: Yes in that situation it does.

Joe: I wouldn’t even go near the sliding glass doors I would just turn the tv off and walk away without looking at the sliding glass doors.

Me: I would too.

Joe: I can see myself looking at the glass windows and suddenly seeing a face and he has a gun and shoots me through the glass.

Me: See that’s where we’re different. I picture him breaking through the sliding glass door and chasing me around with a bowie knife and stabbing me and throwing furniture and glassware at me and then kicking me as I lay on the ground bleeding to death.

We were afraid we were going to run out of gas for a hot second in the middle of nowhere in Utah and after our conversations about serial killers we were none too happy with that prospect. But all is well now. We are now about 60 miles out from Richfield, UT where we plan to spend the night.

Trivia: Volleyball is the most popular sport at nudist camps.

“Connotate this, bitch!”: “It’s so long you can ride a bus up and down it.”

Day Dos

Context of the previous “Connotate this, bitch!”: We had a mishap with the windshield wiper fluid. We turned it on to clean my gunky-ass windshield and immediately afterwards rolled down the windows. Some droplets rocketed into the car and mauled our faces and thus “Don’t swallow it, it’s poisonous” was spaketh.

Hey! You came back! Or you’re here for the first time! Or I’m still talking to myself. Anywho, it’s been about 14 hours I think since I wrote the last entry and craziness has abounded. We decided to drive straight through last night and are still going as we speak. I got about a 3 hour catnap between, around 3am and 6am this morning while joe got the shitty graveyard shift. Apparently, there was a monsoon while I was asleep, the road was poorly lit, and the lane divider lines were lacking those reflector squares. And believe me, when it comes to those little reflector squares, you don’t know what you have until they up and run away and your left swerving dangerously close to a semi truck carrying cows. But apparently we survived. Then I took over the driving at 6 am, coffee cup firmly planted in hand and we’ve made some good time since then. We’re now about 2 to 3 hours outside Denver enjoying the incredibly repetitive landscape of Kansas. Kansas now ranks high on my list of the most gouge-your-eyes-out boring states to drive through. We actually saw a tumbleweed roll across the highway. A real life tumbleweed in the most perfect state to contain them. But anyway, on with the fun and frivolity of the past 14 hours:

When you spend 6 hours driving through Kansas, you start to run out of things to talk about. It’s not so much lack of creativity on our part that causes this, but the fact that Kansas sucks the living energy out of you with ITS lack of a creative landscape. I swear it was 6 hours of overpass, gas station on the left with run down farm next door followed by miles of empty pastures over and over again. When this happens, you grasp at any conversation topic that pops into your head. So Joe posed the question: “If you lived in one of the farm houses in Kansas, would the thought cross your mind to fuck a sheep?” What started as a simple query, blossomed into a ten minute ethical and moral discussion that covered amongst other things, distance from the nearest human contact if you were to fuck this sheep, years since your last human contact, and whether if you did have kids, it would be more morally disreputable to fuck your children or to fuck a sheep. We ended on the question of whether you would use a condom. I said, “Yes, a sheepskin one just to spite it.” I blame Kansas for this regrettable decline in conversation quality and I think you should too.

Conversation Excerpt:

Joe: This atlas doesn’t have Kansas the state or Kansas the city.
Me: You mean Kansas City the city?

We’ve decided that St. Louis is overrated.

We passed a sign for a motel called the Free Breakfast Inn. What do they offer for breakfast you ask? Juice, Coffee and Toast.

Useless Trivia (In light of the disreputable conversation we carried on earlier today): A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

Connotate this, Bitch!: Yours is a lot frothier than mine.

Day Uno

Not all who wander are lost, folks. And thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph because this road trip would not bode well for my confidence if that weren’t true. We’re on a random whirlwind tour of the country riding a ’07 Ford Escape (which will heretofore be known as Senorita Escape) to God knows where. Well, in all honesty we kinda know where too. This is Jay speaking (…typing…) and Joe caressing Senorita Escape (…driving…). We started this gosh darn road trip early this morning beginning in Orlando and Chapel Hill, respectively, and meeting in good ol’ Chattanooga which is not as jolly a city as the name would imply. From there, we’re driving that hot piece of axle, Senorita Escape, to Denver, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Huntington Beach, San Francisco, Wine Country, Seattle, and Bend, Oregon for a rip-roarin’ good time. Currently we are hopping onto I-64 heading west to St. Louis where we’ll probably spend the night. So here’s a rundown of the fun and frivolity that encompassed today:

One of the high points for me was encountering what we have come to call “elevated foliage” in Tennessee. Now here’s the concept behind this amazing…well…concept. See, in Florida, the land is really fuckin flat and thus when you look at trees you’re really just looking at their bark and branches and some of the leaves and what not. It’s like looking at a rather snazzy umbrella from the side and realizing you’re not seeing the coolness that is the design on top. So when you enter Tennessee and the hills start rising from the cool, fertile earth, you get to look down upon the tops of the trees and see the beauty that is “elevated foliage.” I rest my case.

Joe and I had a dual scratching of the nuts episode earlier today. And no we weren’t scratching each other’s nuts although I guess if we were in some homo-erotic porno, that would be cool too. But in this case it was each individual taking care of their own junk. I can only speak of my own personal experience obviously and that is that I am wearing boxer briefs underneath swimming trunks with that always annoying mesh contraption which is causing my boxer briefs to ride up and my nether regions to be in disarray. This is a nuisance since the cardinal rule of roadtrips is “keep the family jewels is full and utter array.”

Little Debbie was ruined for us today. As we were passing by a massive cow-shitting pasture whose stench clinged to our nostrils like bad taste clings to George Michael, a Little Debbie truck drove past us thus creating a mental affiliation that will never be broken. Sorry, Ding Dong, but I shall never eat you again.

Converstion Exceprt:

Me: I know he’s been to Paris, France.

Joe: Yah he hugged the loofah.

Me: You… you mean the Eiffel Tower?

Joe: No the loofah. That pyramid glass thing.

Me: Oh the Louvre?

Joe. Yah the loofah.

I had a lesson today on kudzu. Don’t act like you know what that is! Who know’s what kudzu is? Not even kudzu knows what kudzu is! Apparently, it’s that vine like plant that climbs all over trees and hangs from the branches and pretty much ends up everywhere. So now you know. You can thank me later.

So that’s a sampling of the ideas that we exchanged to pass the 14 hours or so that we have been driving today. So before I give you a “peace out” I would like to explain two daily features that I hope are at the very least educational and at the very most enjoyable as hell if hell were an ice skating rink complete with monkey bars and a slide. First there is our random useless trivia of the day courtesy of “That Book of Perfectly Useless Information,” by Mitchell Symons. And second there is the “Connotate this, Bitch!” of the day. That second one is just a phrase from one of our conversations that when taken out of context becomes some weird form of sexual innuendo. In the next day’s entry, we will then explain the context of the comment. If you want you can guess what the real context of the comment was and post it on our blog... Or not…. Whatever floats your boat. So until next time the one and only person who is reading this blog.

Useless Trivia: Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Connotate this, Bitch!: “Don’t swallow it, it’s poisonous.”