Day Uno

Not all who wander are lost, folks. And thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph because this road trip would not bode well for my confidence if that weren’t true. We’re on a random whirlwind tour of the country riding a ’07 Ford Escape (which will heretofore be known as Senorita Escape) to God knows where. Well, in all honesty we kinda know where too. This is Jay speaking (…typing…) and Joe caressing Senorita Escape (…driving…). We started this gosh darn road trip early this morning beginning in Orlando and Chapel Hill, respectively, and meeting in good ol’ Chattanooga which is not as jolly a city as the name would imply. From there, we’re driving that hot piece of axle, Senorita Escape, to Denver, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Huntington Beach, San Francisco, Wine Country, Seattle, and Bend, Oregon for a rip-roarin’ good time. Currently we are hopping onto I-64 heading west to St. Louis where we’ll probably spend the night. So here’s a rundown of the fun and frivolity that encompassed today:

One of the high points for me was encountering what we have come to call “elevated foliage” in Tennessee. Now here’s the concept behind this amazing…well…concept. See, in Florida, the land is really fuckin flat and thus when you look at trees you’re really just looking at their bark and branches and some of the leaves and what not. It’s like looking at a rather snazzy umbrella from the side and realizing you’re not seeing the coolness that is the design on top. So when you enter Tennessee and the hills start rising from the cool, fertile earth, you get to look down upon the tops of the trees and see the beauty that is “elevated foliage.” I rest my case.

Joe and I had a dual scratching of the nuts episode earlier today. And no we weren’t scratching each other’s nuts although I guess if we were in some homo-erotic porno, that would be cool too. But in this case it was each individual taking care of their own junk. I can only speak of my own personal experience obviously and that is that I am wearing boxer briefs underneath swimming trunks with that always annoying mesh contraption which is causing my boxer briefs to ride up and my nether regions to be in disarray. This is a nuisance since the cardinal rule of roadtrips is “keep the family jewels is full and utter array.”

Little Debbie was ruined for us today. As we were passing by a massive cow-shitting pasture whose stench clinged to our nostrils like bad taste clings to George Michael, a Little Debbie truck drove past us thus creating a mental affiliation that will never be broken. Sorry, Ding Dong, but I shall never eat you again.

Converstion Exceprt:

Me: I know he’s been to Paris, France.

Joe: Yah he hugged the loofah.

Me: You… you mean the Eiffel Tower?

Joe: No the loofah. That pyramid glass thing.

Me: Oh the Louvre?

Joe. Yah the loofah.

I had a lesson today on kudzu. Don’t act like you know what that is! Who know’s what kudzu is? Not even kudzu knows what kudzu is! Apparently, it’s that vine like plant that climbs all over trees and hangs from the branches and pretty much ends up everywhere. So now you know. You can thank me later.

So that’s a sampling of the ideas that we exchanged to pass the 14 hours or so that we have been driving today. So before I give you a “peace out” I would like to explain two daily features that I hope are at the very least educational and at the very most enjoyable as hell if hell were an ice skating rink complete with monkey bars and a slide. First there is our random useless trivia of the day courtesy of “That Book of Perfectly Useless Information,” by Mitchell Symons. And second there is the “Connotate this, Bitch!” of the day. That second one is just a phrase from one of our conversations that when taken out of context becomes some weird form of sexual innuendo. In the next day’s entry, we will then explain the context of the comment. If you want you can guess what the real context of the comment was and post it on our blog... Or not…. Whatever floats your boat. So until next time the one and only person who is reading this blog.

Useless Trivia: Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Connotate this, Bitch!: “Don’t swallow it, it’s poisonous.”